Dear Watermelon Pub Trivia Team By the Back Left Table AKA “Kookie Cat Men,” That means you, Gilbert. And yes, you too, Basil, though everyone knows you only come when your girlfriend is out of […]
Category: Rejection Letters
Rejection Letter: Timothy Tarkelly
Dear Pitchfork contributor, When James decided to soulfully plea for help, with his anger, his ability to understand questions, to punch through glass in the productive way, and when he decided to accompany his plea […]
Hello Mother, Hello Father
Dear Katie, Why did you drop me off at this stupid camp. I’ve been here for a very long time. Maybe even half of my life. Please come rescue me. I told you I didn’t […]
Rejection Letter: Stacy Murison
Dear Women who argue about religion on restroom walls, I couldn’t help but notice your engaging dialog on the restroom wall—the restroom situated (appropriately and thankfully) between the coffee shop, the wine shop, and the […]
Rejection Letter: Sarah Loverock
Dear High School P.E. Teachers, Let’s start with having to borrow a dirty P.E. kit as a punishment for ‘trying to get out of P.E.’ Firstly, polo shirts, in general, are a crime against humanity. […]
Rejection Letter: Sara Dobbie
Dear Skinny Jeans, We regret to inform you that, while we did enjoy your panache, we can no longer accept you at this time. We do acknowledge the impact your work has made on the […]
an open letter to the gay, racist, Christian republican I once called friend
when you hold hands with those who would hang you on a tree adjacent my own Black ass, we see all you’ll sell out to salve your skin. how you embrace purity tests, “both sides” […]
Rejection Letter: Lizzie Frank
Dear Subconscious, Thank you for your submissions over the years. However, your recent creations have become out of control. It is in your best interest to reign it back, or we may have to halt […]
NOBODY WANTS YOUR FUCKING COUCH
And yet upon graduating college you insist on leaving that lumpy brown heap on the sidewalk, a little going away gift to your neighbors who never once flattened your tires as payback for the red […]
