My Wise Man, My Meat Manager (Avery Gregurich)

Rejection Letters just sent you the following message regarding the submission My Wise Man, My Meat Manager


While we enjoyed reading your flash essay, ultimately we have decided to pass on “My Wise Man, My Meat Manager.” There were parts of this essay about someone that you work with that we enjoyed, namely how he tells you at one point that he used to get stoned in Florida and push-mow his yard while listening to Shaggy’s Boombastic on his Walkman, and how now, mid-divorce, he’s gotten desperately in to both darts and distance running. We found the line “He says a whole damn bottle of edibles couldn’t even touch him now,” particularly fitting. We also enjoyed that branching bit about him finding out he was allergic to mangoes in that same yard he listened to Shaggy in, combined with him and his ex-wife both buying the exact same frozen pizza on the same night, a couple hours apart to be cooked in separate ovens, certainly for the first time.   

However, we found your piece lacking a strong personal motive. Have you tried reading your piece directly into a burning candle? Whatever black soot you hock up after is what you are actually trying to say. Alternately you could sleep all night in a freshly painted room for a similar, expectorant result the following morning. We recommend bright colors for both the candles and the paint. Maybe just listen to your meat manager? Start by taking just one bite out of the mango, then chase it by throwing a dart at the most inflated balloon on the abandoned midway. Redeem your tickets for a carnival prize mirror of Billy Idol, that one with him in a black leather diaper. If the whole bottle can’t touch him, imagine what it might do for you. You’ve cut your hair and your beard, and that is the first step in getting to know yourself, and letting the world know you, according to the top article on

Most importantly, we recommend losing that spot about him saying that he’s becoming convinced that we are living in a simulation. While he may be right, it’s not recommended for the readers to have to think about a future already written by a dizzy and ruthless hand. 

But by all means, please keep us in mind for more of your work in that future!



Avery Gregurich is a writer living and working in Marengo, Iowa. He was raised next to the Mississippi River, and has never strayed too far from it.


image: Jade Hawk is a meat popsicle.