Dear Author,
To quote an important moment in cinematic history: I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul. You don’t know what that’s from? It’s Billy Madison, you dolt. Reason one of the multitude of reasons you are being rejected. Reason two, I don’t like you. Reason three, not cool enough. Not cool enough by far, man. Reason four, you have dead eyes. I don’t even need to see them to know. Reason five, we saw you creep on us on twitter. You followed our editor and our fiction readers and hit like on every single post. It’s too much, man. Too much. Reason six, is something you haven’t even done yet, but you will. Very soon you’ll unfollow all the people on twitter associated with this literary institution and all the people we’ve recently published. Now that you have this rejection, what’s the point of seeing their tweets? What, you don’t like my posts anymore? We knew you never did. We saw right through it. We knew you were going to submit this soft shit and that it wasn’t going to cut it, man. Not even close to making the cut.
So, shove off. Consider deleting that novel you have in progress, selling all your things, burning you social security card, and moving into a cave in the middle of the wilderness where you can scrawl cave paintings and writings with charcoal on the stone, and then one day someone will discover it, and they’ll still be just as disappointed as we were about this submission.
Keep us in mind for future submissions! And please follow and like us on social media!
-The Editors who hate you and your writing
***
SR Schulz is really cool and awesome and he has never been rejected.
***
image: MM Kaufman
Rejection Letters 