To the Acting Director of Pacific Northwestern Weather Patterns,
I am writing to resign from my post as Head Fog of North Bend, effective immediately. I cannot work in the conditions in which I find myself and while I have been a loyal employee of twenty years, I have identified a disturbing trend that I can stand for no longer.
As you are aware, our schedules are laid out so no two unplanned patterns may meet. Obviously, there have been a growing number of incidents these past few years: the floods of ‘96, the arctic storms of ‘07 and ‘08. The recent wildfires. Someone unfamiliar with the Book of Ecological Hazards has been getting sloppy. Perhaps they said they were detail-oriented when, in fact, they were not.
Regardless, as scheduled, on January 16, 2022 beginning at 4:22 AM, I took up my position over the treetops of Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest. I scraped my way through the conifers, descending amongst them until I blanketed the bent asphalt below in a white soup. Someone driving a Volvo that morning said they would cut it with a knife if they kept one in the car.
They did not, in fact, keep one in the car.
Unfortunately, the aforementioned schedule was not obeyed and, while I was supposed to burn off gently around 10 AM, unfettered sunlight blistered through my cover around 8:32. Within seconds, I found myself covered in third-degree burns. In the chaos and mad rush to evaporate the area, I put good droplets, good crystals in harm’s way. We still haven’t found Tim.
Additionally, the sudden shift in temperature has wreaked havoc on my ideal dew point. I am unsure if I will completely recover.
While this is just one of many incidents, it has cleared the mist, so to speak. I recommend you get your workplace atmosphere in order. Ensure daily schedules go through the proper channels, reviews, and handoffs. Guarantee the safety of your staff. Advocate for your on-the-ground teams amongst your human emissaries. I have heard rumblings that they might have more say than previously thought in these matters and I am unclear on what expertise they can bring to the table, given their reported negative impact upon our organization.
I will return my barometer via post. The mounted vintage weathervane I intend to keep.
I wish you all the best.
Frank Fogarty, Head Fog of North Bend, Oregon
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Salena Casha‘s work has appeared in over 50 publications in the last decade. Her most recent work can be found on trampset, FlashBack Fiction, and Bending Genres She survives New England winters on good beer and black coffee. Follow her on twitter @salaylay_c
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image: “Before Our Divorce:” M. Roanoke is a queer folk artist based in Kansas City, Missouri. Their photography has appeared in Rejection Letters, and nowhere else. They are on Twitter @Roanokeoke.
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