Meeting of the Board of Directors of Your Life
Third Year of College
The Board of Directors of Your Life, d/b/a “you,” met at the regularly scheduled time in the predetermined recesses of your mind to discuss the status of Your Life and all relevant pending issues related thereto.
God, Board Chair
Mother, Board Member
Older Sister, Board Member
Older Brother, Board Member
High School Best Friend, Board Member
1. Call to Order
God, the omniscient, benevolent Board Chair, opened the meeting by welcoming everyone, especially those clearly wishing they were elsewhere, and with a prayer because, well, obviously. God then confirmed, much to your mortification, that all present had familiarized themselves with the previously provided receipts, diary entries, school assignments and progress reports.
2. Approval of Previous Minutes
The minutes of the previous meeting be and hereby are ratified and approved as presented because who can remember anyway and why bother trying.
3. Financial Report
The Chief Financial Officer (CFO), your father, visibly annoyed, presented the year to date financial reports which were provided in advance to the board members. Outstanding credit card debt you apparently forgot about that has been accruing interest behind your back, was noted. Your mother pointed out that you have recently been purchasing excessive amounts of cheap wine from the grocery store on the corner and ordering a lot of concert tickets, often for the same bands in different cities. The Chief Executive Officer (CEO), your roommate, felt the need to share that she has been covering the rent for you for two months now and wonders when you will be resuming your own rent payments. Your father insisted the minutes reflect that your credit card debt is at an all-time high but a no-interest paternal loan with many strings attached could be implemented before your credit rating is completely ruined. Your brother and sister were engaged in side conversation about football which they apparently find more interesting than Your Life. Your best friend from high school and God listened silently, exchanging knowing glances, clearly in cahoots.
Upon your motion to approve the financials (an attempt to move the meeting along) there was no second and the board does not approve of the state of your financials at all whatsoever.
4. Business Update
Your roommate provided an update on significant matters related to you, which, in your opinion, are no one’s business but your own. Nevertheless, she reported that you continue to leave exactly one bite of food at every single meal in spite of this having been brought to your attention and seems to be related to a previous eating disorder that everyone thought you were well past. Your mother noted, per usual, that vegetarians who don’t eat vegetables are not actually healthy, that you are too thin, borderline anemic, and should start eating meat again immediately. You nodded in a good faith attempt to keep things moving along.
Your roommate pointed out that the school progress reports reflect that, despite the fact that you have increased your attendance at the local bar from the previously established three nights per week to five, you somehow seem to be keeping up with your school work. She also reported, in an offensively matter of fact manner, that your recent journal entries demonstrate an increasingly desperate sense of loneliness (a consistent theme since the untimely departure of the bass player last year). She also brought to the board’s attention that the group with which you have been frequenting the local bar are not people she has met yet. God requested that she plan to attend an outing in the near future to get a sense of what we are dealing with here. The board then engaged in a lengthy and painful discussion about the lack of clarity surrounding concerns that you are not consistently showing up to work at your part time job. Further, your insistence on sleeping on a mattress on the floor of your bedroom was eloquently characterized by your mother as “just not normal.”
As previously discussed, the alarming number of overlapping boyfriends over the past eleven months has not only been concerning to the board but it has rendered it impossible for them to keep names straight so it was decided to simply refer to all of them as “Adam.” The most recent Adam is of particular concern as he is a pretentious philosophy major who is not even that good looking. It was determined that this Adam will not last long enough to warrant serious alarm and that the best course of action is simply to let it ride out.
Your sister, who did not appear to be paying attention at all until now, chimed in (to save face no doubt) and inquired about matters of grooming, including the status of your leg and underarm hair. Upon your refusal to respond, your roommate agreed to report back to everyone on whether or not you are in a shaving or no shaving phase at present. On the topic of grooming, your mother inquired as to the last time you had a haircut, noting your hair was so long that you could sit on it. Your brother, clearly multitasking, but wanting to say something relevant, pointed out that the “ugly rule” that had started in high school was still in effect as far as he could tell, you are still only wearing clothing and accessories that are objectively ugly. Your father, by this point, had clearly tuned out, likely upon the mention of “underarm hair.”
Your best friend from high school wanted it noted for the record that you never call her anymore and you haven’t been home in ages. After a short debate on the significance of recent emails from your high school boyfriend and your responses thereto, there was a collective round of sighs, several face palms and one forehead slap. Nevertheless, the following motion carried.
Upon a motion duly made and seconded, the following resolution passed:
RESOLVED, that the only destination approved for spring break travel this year is to your childhood home.
It was strongly advised that the next meeting include a presentation from you on future career plans as well as a revised budget with a focus on paying down debt and saving money. While money is not the most important thing, your roommate noted that we are, in fact, trying to run a life here and money does matter to a significant extent whether you like it or not.
God adjourned the meeting by thanking everyone for their continued patience with you, noting the board will meet again next month, same time, same place unless by some miracle (don’t hold your breath) you can figure out a way to get your shit together and render the whole thing moot.
Beth Mulcahy (she/her), a Gen X-er from Michigan, lives in Ohio with her husband, two kids and loyal Havanese dog sidekick. Beth works for a company that provides technology to people without natural speech. She writes poetry, fiction, memoir, and dreams about visiting Scotland. Her work has appeared in various journals and she has been nominated for a Pushcart prize. Check out her latest publications here.
image: “Trapped Bug:” Jianna John is a writer from Glen Allen, VA. She is an Honors undergraduate student studying Business at Virginia Commonwealth University.