Dear Listener,
Hello! 2021 was one hell of a year, and judging by the looks of the data-driven Spotify wrapped playlist we curated especially for you, this is probably an understatement. I mean, truly, what a shit show. But before we get into the nitty-gritty of your top songs played this year, let’s check out your overview:
Your Audio Aura
At first it looked like the algorithm was going to assign your aura the color blue, indicative of an emotional and often melancholy listener, but after compiling all of the data, you were assigned the color black. This is an aura color we’ve never seen before! Congrats on the groundbreaking vibes, which can be defined as self-sabotaging, vengeful, dangerously nostalgic, and decidedly bleak. Real Sylvia Plath head-in-an-oven energy. Kudos.
Your Top Jams
Because we’ve never had a user assigned a black aura before, my team and I decided to play your top songs on the loudspeaker over here at HQ. Big mistake. Jerry got re-diagnosed with some pretty sick stuff that same afternoon, and I had to take a drive on my lunch break to listen to my own pink and yellow aura playlist just to re-establish my meticulously calibrated healthy energy.
WARNING: I do not recommend you listening to these songs any further, however I am obligated now to provide you with this list:
#1 “Covet” by Basement
This is the song you listened to on repeat as you drove from Pennsylvania to New Jersey, where you would try to convince your ex-boyfriend that the two of you should be together. You even packed a suitcase and brought your cat Raymond with you in case your ex finally saw things clearly and asked you to stay. My team and I watched this reel rapturously as the lyrics repeated over and over:
With you
I don’t want to be with you
When I’m with you
I don’t want to be with you
It was hard to tell if you were projecting yourself or your ex onto the words, but ultimately it didn’t matter. My team and I couldn’t finish the song without throwing up all over each other and skipped it halfway through.
#2 “Two Beers In” by Free Throw
This little number was worse than its precedent, I gotta admit. This is the song you played after you left your ex’s mom’s house, where he told you it was fucked up to show up un-announced, and, because of the crazy look in your eye, took Raymond from your arms. Then he asked you to leave before Mrs. H woke up and caused a scene. You sipped vodka from a coffee tumbler as you drove back home through the night and twisted the volume nozzle on the dash all the way up every time the song culminated to that whole ‘FUUUUUUCK EV-RY THIIIIIIING,” part.
#3 “Death Cup” by Mom Jeans.
I must say, the lyrics in this song were a little on the nose for a listener with emotional complexity such as yours.
“Please, tell me how the fuck I’m supposed to deal with losing you,” was a clear indication of your feelings for the aforementioned ex-boyfriend, and you listened to these lyrics over and over in the weeks after you drove to New Jersey to stalk him. Back home, you stopped going to your job at Krispy Kreme donuts, and when your manager called to say that if you didn’t show up for your next shift you’d be fired, you laughed so hard that he hung up, and as the song blared from your shitty water-damaged Bluetooth speaker, your laughter turned to tears.
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Look, writing all this out is starting to depress me again. It isn’t too late for you to get your job at Krispy Kreme back. And if you don’t want to go that route, your mom said she’d put in a good word for you at that Super Target your uncle works at. You’d even get a $2/hour raise. See? Life isn’t so bad. I know the last time you texted your ex-boyfriend it was marked “not delivered” but that doesn’t mean he blocked you. Maybe his phone just isn’t working. And when you messaged Mrs. H on Facebook threatening to steal back Raymond and she replied saying she was not above getting a restraining order, it was nothing personal. We know you miss Raymond and he was the last vestige of comfort left in your life, but you’ll get over it.
Next time you’re going through a break up, we recommend listening to Taylor Swift. Her latest rendition of Red is an excellent source of romantic bereavement. For your more vengeful tastes, why not try Olivia Rodrigo’s album SOUR? I think that would give your current grieving process some spunk, and perhaps even add a little yellow or pink to your audio aura for next year! And, seriously, stay away from your Wrapped Playlist this time around. Our app is going to shove it in your face every time you open it, but stay strong. Please. For Jerry’s sake.
Best of luck!
The Spotify Wrapped Team
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Elaine Cary is a writer living in Omaha, Nebraska. Her work has been published in The Critical Point and 13th Floor magazine, and she won the John J. McKenna scholarship for her creative non-fiction essay “Sierra” while earning her degree at the University of Nebraska at Omaha. She walks dogs for fun and also for beer-money. She tweets: @angsty_witch.
When writing this piece, Elaine was inspired by Inez Santiago’s rejection letter RE: Application: Hot Gals Summer Rep.
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image: MM Kaufman
Rejection Letters 