Dear individual (Zahra Sani-Musa)

Dear individual, Unfortunately, you can no longer identify as Gen-z. Your tiktok account has zero followers, following and ZERO DRAFTS! You don’t know the D’amelio family and you can only identify Addison Rae from the one time you watched ‘She’s all that’ at a sleepover. You STILL use the dog filter on snapchat – major […]

RE: Submission – POETRY (Molly Greer)

Dear Poet That We Will Not Be Publishing, Congratulations! We are thrilled announce that we have made our decision regarding your submission! You can read more about it in this form rejection that we cut and pasted into this message. We can’t thank you enough for the absolute privilege of reading your precious words. We […]

New Submittable Message (Frances Klein)

6:32 PM, June 1st Editors, I am withdrawing my poem, “My Vagina is an Ocean” due to its acceptance in a journal so prestigious, your editorial staff keeps putting off submitting there until the vague and far-off day when their work is “good enough.” I hope you will pick up a copy of the issue […]

Dear Stack of Novels (Isaac Fox)

Dear stack of novels,  Thank you very much for decorating my bookshelf. I have enjoyed these months (who am I kidding, years!) of looking at your earth-toned spines. I know I can never appreciate how much time someone spent writing and rewriting and revising and editing and editing and editing each of you, but having […]

Never Stop Stopping (Lauren Theresa)

Dear Lauren, Thank you for the opportunity to read your submission, we appreciate you trusting us with your words. Unfortunately our editors felt that the way you placed your words together wasn’t the right fit with the overall vision of how we feel words should be placed together.  We know writing is hard, and that […]

You are a Reject (SR Schulz)

Dear Author, To quote an important moment in cinematic history: I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul. You don’t know what that’s from? It’s Billy Madison, you dolt. Reason one of the multitude of reasons you are being rejected. Reason two, I don’t like you. Reason three, not cool […]

Mr. Joyce Receives Good News (Helen Lyttle)

Dear James, Thanks for submitting your novel Finnegan’s Wake to Hogwarts, Da Vinci and Smut Literary Agents.   First, the good news.  Irish fiction is huge at the moment.  If you’ve got a story about young literary types falling in love at Trinity College Dublin, readers will be all over it.  But your novel, James?  […]

Dear Mr. Homer (Sylvie Stein)

Dear Mr. Homer, We would like to thank you for sending us your manuscript for your epic poem, although you insisted it was “better when you hear it aloud.” Unfortunately, we decided not to publish it, but we would like to provide you with our feedback for editing purposes. We were interested in the character […]

Letter Without Address (Aston Lester)

To Nobody, who could’ve been somebody Who writes letters anymore? I read collections of Bukowski’s and Fante’s letters, and they are so clever that I wish people still did, and if they did, I would write one to you. I don’t even have an address to send a letter to, because you don’t have an […]

Hi, 50th Reunion Yearbook (Maud Lavin)

Hi, all, I hope you’re doing really well and are Not Dead Yet, and if you are dead that you got cremated and were able to float in the wind, not end up in your loved one’s face to be spit out and then land on their clothes, but instead could briefly fly and then […]

Dear Jean-Paul Sartre (Jon Wesick)

Pillbottle, Shaker, and Christmas123 45th Street, 6th floorNew York, NY Dear Jean-Paul Sartre: Thank you for submitting No Exit to our agency. We receive many manuscripts and cannot represent them all. Unfortunately, yours does not meet our needs. It’s hard to place in a specific genre although I suppose you could call it a fantasy. […]

A Rejection Letter for the Inevitable Rejection (Kirsten Reneau)

Dear [name], Thank you so much for considering rejecting me. I am pleased to tell you that I will not be accepting this rejection of me or my work, the two of which are so tied to each other that to say no to one is to say no to it all.  In some ways, […]

The Cover Letter for My Submitted Story (Michael Fowler)

Dear Editor, Thank you for allowing me to submit my short story “Zed’s Crisis” for possible inclusion in Forlorn Magazine’s themed issue The Buds of Spring, to be published online this April or May. You may recall that I, Nash Briggs, previously submitted a story called “Zed’s Decision” for your themed issue The Cusp of […]

Hearts in Jars (Aaron Leyshon)

Dearest departed potential contributor,  I forgot to send the ransom note, but we have your piece and a reading fee and a dozen other fingers and toes we’ve claimed in tribute over the years. You get it, we’re a small publisher (like you care) and we don’t and can’t and won’t pay our staff even […]

How I Lost My Library Privileges (Damhnait Monaghan & Ellen Goldstein)

Dear “Writer”, When I left the library on Friday afternoon, my inbox was clear. This morning, I returned to find fourteen emails from you describing craft workshops you’d like to present for our Friday morning Beginning Writers series. For the sake of brevity and clarity (concepts with which I fear you are unfamiliar) I will […]

Consider this my Resignation (Salena Casha)

To the Acting Director of Pacific Northwestern Weather Patterns, I am writing to resign from my post as Head Fog of North Bend, effective immediately. I cannot work in the conditions in which I find myself and while I have been a loyal employee of twenty years, I have identified a disturbing trend that I […]

Formal Request for Mercy (Beth Mulcahy)

Re: Formal Request for Mercy Dear Universe, I am writing in follow up to recent events within the scope of your realm and provide you with some comments and questions related thereto. I represent humans on earth. I know that you encompass all of space and time and their contents, including, but not limited to, […]

snakeskin boots (Isaac Akanmu)

dear valued creature: it has come to our attention that the following species, “serpent”, has breached our standards of service and submission. cunning in nature, the “serpent” curries favor only to attack at a convenient opening. please be aware, the “serpent” is a predator and its principal prey is: the “mind”. to be clear, the […]

Do What I Say (wamboala)

I am the master of poetry. You are my slave. You will award me this prize or face serious consequences. I will harm you if you disobey me. You will do what I say. Do not anger me. Great harm will come to you. I have already begun probing your writing for potential kompromat in […]