My Wise Man, My Meat Manager (Avery Gregurich)
Rejection Letters just sent you the following message regarding the submission My Wise Man, My Meat Manager Hey! While we enjoyed reading your flash essay, ultimately we have decided to pass on “My Wise Man, My Meat Manager.” There were parts of this essay about someone that you work with that we enjoyed, namely how…
Thank You For Your Interest (Alla Hoffman)
Dear Applicant, Thank you for your interest in filling the position of Baby. We received infinitudes of submissions, and unfortunately only have a limited number of roles to fill. Due to economic headwinds, we have decided to alter the job description for this particular opening to Fur Baby, and will be promoting an internal candidate…
RE: the ads you keep targeting me with on Instagram (Allison Grinberg-Funes)
Dear mediocre pond, After years of consideration, I don’t really regret to inform you (as long as I’m being honest) that I no longer have any interest or motivation to wade into your murky waters disguised as internet-incited dating that could eventually lead to long, everlasting love. Advertised as the perfect place to meet the…
Re: That Shit You Wrote (Danny Fantom)
Hi Danny, I’m writing to let you know that we are going to have to pass. It was clear you put a LOT of you into this- an almost uncomfortable amount, really! And, being a production that thrives on writhing innards and a deep sense of horrific existentialism, this- what amounted to about 3 yards…
Entry Requirement: More Mangoes, Less You (Raisa Reina)
Dear Misspelled Author’s Name, We at Historically Racist But Now Trying To Appear Accepting Magazine were delighted to receive your poem, “Beyond The Flesh: When The Diaspora Returns.” Your experiences about exclusion while living in a cult as a reflection of the outside world were very…enlightening. Your words moved us–(not to tears, why would we…
Status Update: Fun Person Initiative (Celina Naheed)
Dear Applicant of the “Fun Person” Initiative, I would like to thank you for your application using many positive adjectives to get your hopes up that we have approved you to be a certified Fun Person. However, as we have moved on to the second sentence, I must state that I regret to inform you…
Dear Osteoporosis (Elise Finney)
Dear Osteoporosis,Thank you for your enthusiasm and willingness to participate in every physical activity we offer. Your commitment to taking every instance of the utterance “break a leg” literally is truly astounding. The extent and variation of photographic evidence documenting your efforts, successful and rarely unsuccessful, demonstrates your true dedication to staying relevant. However, we…
This Isn’t For Us… (Jaidah-Leigh Wyatt)
Dear Miss Wyatt, We are writing to tell you that your writing is, well, weird. It’s unlike anything we’ve ever seen, but not in a good way. In some odd and peculiar sense, it cannot be understood by anyone who is not you. Tell me, what was your thought process when creating this… piece? Our…
Dear individual (Zahra Sani-Musa)
Dear individual, Unfortunately, you can no longer identify as Gen-z. Your tiktok account has zero followers, following and ZERO DRAFTS! You don’t know the D’amelio family and you can only identify Addison Rae from the one time you watched ‘She’s all that’ at a sleepover. You STILL use the dog filter on snapchat – major…
RE: Transsexuals Who Are Devoured by a Primordial Beast that Came from the Ocean (Felix Lecocq)
Dear Mx. Writer, Thank you for sharing with us your powerful short story “Transsexuals Who Are Devoured by a Primordial Beast that Came from the Ocean.” While we are unfortunately going to pass this time, we want to thank you for your bravery and vulnerability in sharing such a clearly personal piece with us. Transgender…
RE: Submission – POETRY (Molly Greer)
Dear Poet That We Will Not Be Publishing, Congratulations! We are thrilled announce that we have made our decision regarding your submission! You can read more about it in this form rejection that we cut and pasted into this message. We can’t thank you enough for the absolute privilege of reading your precious words. We…
New Submittable Message (Frances Klein)
6:32 PM, June 1st Editors, I am withdrawing my poem, “My Vagina is an Ocean” due to its acceptance in a journal so prestigious, your editorial staff keeps putting off submitting there until the vague and far-off day when their work is “good enough.” I hope you will pick up a copy of the issue…
Dear Stack of Novels (Isaac Fox)
Dear stack of novels, Thank you very much for decorating my bookshelf. I have enjoyed these months (who am I kidding, years!) of looking at your earth-toned spines. I know I can never appreciate how much time someone spent writing and rewriting and revising and editing and editing and editing each of you, but having…
Never Stop Stopping (Lauren Theresa)
Dear Lauren, Thank you for the opportunity to read your submission, we appreciate you trusting us with your words. Unfortunately our editors felt that the way you placed your words together wasn’t the right fit with the overall vision of how we feel words should be placed together. We know writing is hard, and that…
You are a Reject (SR Schulz)
Dear Author, To quote an important moment in cinematic history: I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul. You don’t know what that’s from? It’s Billy Madison, you dolt. Reason one of the multitude of reasons you are being rejected. Reason two, I don’t like you. Reason three, not cool…
Mr. Joyce Receives Good News (Helen Lyttle)
Dear James, Thanks for submitting your novel Finnegan’s Wake to Hogwarts, Da Vinci and Smut Literary Agents. First, the good news. Irish fiction is huge at the moment. If you’ve got a story about young literary types falling in love at Trinity College Dublin, readers will be all over it. But your novel, James? …
Dear Mr. Homer (Sylvie Stein)
Dear Mr. Homer, We would like to thank you for sending us your manuscript for your epic poem, although you insisted it was “better when you hear it aloud.” Unfortunately, we decided not to publish it, but we would like to provide you with our feedback for editing purposes. We were interested in the character…
Letter Without Address (Aston Lester)
To Nobody, who could’ve been somebody Who writes letters anymore? I read collections of Bukowski’s and Fante’s letters, and they are so clever that I wish people still did, and if they did, I would write one to you. I don’t even have an address to send a letter to, because you don’t have an…
Hi, 50th Reunion Yearbook (Maud Lavin)
Hi, all, I hope you’re doing really well and are Not Dead Yet, and if you are dead that you got cremated and were able to float in the wind, not end up in your loved one’s face to be spit out and then land on their clothes, but instead could briefly fly and then…
Dear Jean-Paul Sartre (Jon Wesick)
Pillbottle, Shaker, and Christmas123 45th Street, 6th floorNew York, NY Dear Jean-Paul Sartre: Thank you for submitting No Exit to our agency. We receive many manuscripts and cannot represent them all. Unfortunately, yours does not meet our needs. It’s hard to place in a specific genre although I suppose you could call it a fantasy.…
Rejection Letters 