Letters

Paperless Post Tracking (Gwendolyn Boutros)

Your Baby Shower is in 1 Day. 71 Total  6 Attending  19 Regrets 46 Not yet replied  So sorry to be missing this! – Lee Reis  Thank you for the invitation. I will make sure to be at the next one.- Nibby Beal  I am unable to join the festivity. Hope you are doing better-…

What I’m Looking For (Macy Craig)

Hello, Thank you so much for submitting. Unfortunately, this isn’t what I’m looking for. To be brutally honest, I’m looking for this story that came to me in a dream last year. I remember that there was a dragon, but it couldn’t fly, and a medical student in residency, but I don’t remember how they…

Dear Caller (Ryan-Ashley (Anderson) Maloney)

Dear Caller, Allow me to quickly thank you, on behalf of all the team members here at Hidden Agenda, for the piles of money you have spent over the years on cam girl sessions through our platform. You were one of the originals. In fact, you’ve been here almost as long as us. I remember…

How to Leave a Marriage (Lauren Theresa)

*** Lauren Theresa is an ever-diverging creative, plant witch, trauma therapist, visual artist, queen of all trades, mom of 2, author of 3, and co-founder-instrument-of-chaos at Icebreakers Lit. Check out her books, art, and musings at laurentheresa.com and socials at @imlaurentheresa  *** image: Lauren Theresa

THANK YOU FOR SUBMITTING YOUR APPLICATION TO BOSSWORLD (Julián Martinez)

Unfortunately, at this juncture, we are not able to offer you employment as a Bruce Springsteen impersonator. We assume your audition tape did not attach correctly— instead of an MP4 file of you singing a song off the album Born in the U.S.A. as requested, you attached a video of yourself, who we assume to…

Thanks for Submitting to Regrettable (Bliss Goldstein)

Thanks for submitting to Regrettable, We regret to inform you that your measly $3.00 submission fee is simply not enough. We don’t get out of bed for less than $3,000, so put some zeros on it. For four zeros, we pledge to get out of our beds and into yours. Our talented team of trained…

From the Desk of r/CDLDumpTrucks, (V Garmon Koski)

Dear u/[REDACTED], Hello from the moderation team at r/CDLDumpTrucks. While we appreciate your interest in becoming a verified member of this subreddit, we are sorry to say that we cannot approve your application. We here at CDLDumpTrucks insist upon a very high standard of consistency in our models, and unfortunately you do not fit this…

We Want to Read Your TwitterX Pitch But Also We Don’t (Lori D’Angelo)

We’re so excited that you decided to join our upcoming Twitter Pitch Event #PitTheFuckOutOfHere.  This year, it will be held in alternating months of July, September, and November. Next year, it will be held in January, March, May, and whenever the hell else we decide to do it and as often as we need to…

The Danube Never Sleeps (Ági Bori)

Dear Ági, Thank you for sending us your translation of the short story, “The Danube Never Sleeps.” Contrary to its title, our editors grew dozy by the time they had finished reading it. We’d like to apologize for the slight delay in getting back to you—we wanted to give your submission the due consideration it did…

Your body has been rejected (Alannah Guevara)

Dear Alannah69, Thank you for deciding to use our platform to sell your body to our many users. Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that your HustleFans account has not been approved. We are unable to accept your most recent application for the following reason(s): If you don’t already have that many profiles, yeah right.…

Your Mouth Full of Someone Else’s Teeth (Andrew Rivas)

To Whomever Caused Us Concern, Fuck you for giving us the opportunity to read “Your Mouth Full of Someone Else’s Teeth.” We are happy to inform you that we will not be publishing the story in our SPRING 2024 issue.  While the piece is undoubtedly well written, our editorial staff found your story incredibly disturbing.…

Dear Robert (Robert Allen)

Dear Robert, Thank you for submitting to Pompeux Journal of Poetry. We were wondering, is your inner life so broken, or are your poems just a posture? If broken, we suggest a therapist, if a pose, we suggest that you Stop. Writing. Poetry. Forever. Sure, write a grocery list or text, but please no more…

Memorably Forgettable (Matthew Groff)

Dear (Name Withheld), Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, your story is not a fit for us at this time, but we appreciated the chance to consider it.  Furthermore, and I do speak for the entire staff, as we were all very impressed with your abilities by crafting a story that we found utterly and…

ProCess (Abigail E. Myers)

Dear Developer, Thank you for submitting ProCess: The App for Funeral Processions to the App Store. Your app was reviewed, but we are unable to post your app at this time. Reason: 9.9: The App Store is unable to post apps that disregard the laws of nature and/or local traffic customs. Details:  Next steps: Walk…

A Jury Summons from the Green Knight (Byran Harvey)

Camelot Circuit Court SUMMONS FOR JURY DUTY By Authority of the Highest Heaven, the Trees in the Wood, and Your Own Stupid Volunteerism: You are hereby summoned to appear at the Green Chapel in less than a Year’s Time on Christmas Day, or at Least by the Epiphany, whenever that is. Notch a rune on your…

We’re Sorry You’re an Adjunct (Gina Hanson)

Dear Gina,  Thank you for the opportunity to read “Hypocrisy.” Your story was a favorite of the fiction editorial staff and just an overall beautiful piece of writing. Unfortunately, we won’t be publishing it.  As you know, University Literary Journal is sponsored by our university’s English department, and as such, we are sensitive to the…

Dear Novel Introductions (Courtenay Schembri Gray)

Dear Novel Introductions, Please will you stop spoiling the plot for me?! Every time I settle down with my pipe and slippers, you roll in and tell me exactly who is going to die and how the fictional world I am about to enter will be destroyed.  I. Don’t. Want. To. Know!  It’s all very…

Letter From a Young Poet (Lauren D. Woods)

A Memo to My Supervisor in Response to My Mid-Year Performance Review From: Rainer Maria Rilke (the Austrian poet best known for my 1929 collection of letters about the writing life, Letters to a Young Poet) Dear Sirs, You wanted my update on the strategic plan? I am asking you to be patient toward all…

Teamwork (Travis Flatt)

Jess, I cc’d Sam, Levi, Eli, and everybody on this. Have you got a story called “Goats and Bicycles” by Lee Flatt yet? If not, you will. Matt’s gone full P.I., and the guy’s got at least 5,000 submissions out right now–no joke.  He teaches ELA in Atlanta. If you want to join us, we’re…