Re: That Shit You Wrote (Danny Fantom)

Hi Danny, I’m writing to let you know that we are going to have to pass. It was clear you put a LOT of you into this- an almost uncomfortable amount, really! And, being a production that thrives on writhing innards and a deep sense of horrific existentialism, this- what amounted to about 3 yards of your small intestines splattered on a digital canvas like a virtual Jackson Pollock- was the real hanky panky!

Unfortunately, the reality is that you are faaarrrr from the first person to suffer under the weight of a simultaneously underwhelming and overwhelming reality. You are so very far from the first person to sign and date your Pollock-wannabe piece and send it off to a literary magazine. And we love the mess you writers create and yourselves and purge to us. We really do, except . . . 3,000 of you had the same idea. 

Thousands of depressed, stressed, disillusioned souls have sought to be the ones whose feelings make it to literary canon. And it’s obvious this was the first creative nonfiction you’d ever written, and probably only proofread it one time before sending it in. I’m sure by now you’ve read at least five other journals/magazines and realized how common your feelings are. The tortured artist niche is just oversaturated right now, you know? Do you understand what you’re going up against here? You have stood at the mouth of a cathedral that is not state sanctioned or privately funded by the Elite, and thus cannot take a thousand stories but can only house 20. What then?

What are we to do with the other 2,880 stories of sorrow and insecurity and pain and confusion? It’s not easy for us, I hope you know. Because we’re desperate too. We’re all just desperate to find a place where we belong. And we hope you find that place, but it’s regrettably not with us. Come back with a new, fresh niche next year and you’re more likely to get in. Scrape off your innards from that digital canvas, workshop it, and turn it into something new.


The Editor


Hi, I’m Danny Fantom! Halloween is 70% of my personality, the other 30% changes depending on if whether or not I’ve relapsed into Astrology or not. You can find me retweeting desserts, sunsets, and horror movies @ThrillandFear for as long as Twitter is fighting for its life.


image: MM Kaufman