what is the love of your life (Danielle Chelosky)

excerpt from Or Whatever

I hang out w/ Tim on a hungover

afternoon and we spin a Joy Division

record and he tells me about accidentally

bleaching his shirt: “but that’s what happens

when you get high and do laundry,” he says

and everyone who comes in knows to yell

over the loud sad droning, it’s a kind of language

I sign up to make an account on the 

freelancer portal (to receive 40 whole dollars)

and an option for the security question is: 

what is the love of your life

(that does not make me feel secure)

(I am going to need a lot more money

than 40 dollars to answer that question)

you and I saw each other—I don’t think I can keep referring to you

as my ex, everyone keeps getting confused, & honestly I am too—

—for the first time since April (when you blocked me)

and it was good

until it wasn’t

I sobbed to folk music in the HOV lane on the whole way home 

but before I left your place you put a mask on my face, your 

fingers caressing my ears, the fabric kissing my skin and 

I muttered: “are you proposing?” and you smiled

I didn’t even think to kiss you bye

I realized as I went through the door

I could have turned back (I didn’t)

***

Danielle Chelosky is a New York-based writer who has words about music in Stereogum, MTV News, and Billboard, and words about being sad and slutty in HobartX-Ray, and Witchcraft Mag. She studies at Sarah Lawrence College. Her tweets can be found here.

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image: MM Kaufman