Question Thirty-Two (Lucas Scheelk)

TW: Alcoholism, addiction, substance abuse, suicidal ideation, medical ableism, grief/death, parental grief/death, transphobia, self-harm, burning, and dissociation

Why would a patient refuse to go to the clinic, hospital, or emergency room during a crisis?

THE FOLLOWING CAPTCHA ENTRY IS INCORRECT

“On Christmas Eve, I was having urges to drink and I needed to talk to someone. I got in contact with my clinic and I made sure to say outright that I didn’t want to hurt myself. My words were misinterpreted and I was put on the phone with two separate suicide hotline staff. The first staff member wouldn’t let me hang up until I had talked to the second staff member in order to schedule an appointment with a substance abuse counselor at my clinic. They didn’t care that my energy used for this phone call was going to affect my energy to be at my clinic. I didn’t know that the substance abuse counselor wasn’t there for Christmas Eve until I was already in the doctor’s office; no one during that phone call informed me, resulting in a waste of time, the cost of two Lyft rides, and another reminder to always downplay an emergency. A couple of weeks later in mid-January, I was actively suicidal. I had lost my father who I hadn’t spoken to in 10 years. It took about 5 days for my body to remember grieving him the first time. This time, I wasn’t grieving him, I was (and am still) grieving what he took from me. I am forever thankful that my fiancé didn’t call the cops, after I relayed my near-miss off this mortal coil; I fear to think of the outcome had I called my clinic instead.”

THE FOLLOWING CAPTCHA ENTRY IS INCORRECT

“On my first visit with a new therapist, they had to ground themself, in the middle of our session, while I was talking about my PTSD. “

THE FOLLOWING CAPTCHA ENTRY IS INCORRECT

“A month after I burned myself, I had concerns that the wound was infected. I went to a burn specialist in my hometown hoping that it was fixable and okay. The nurse does my intake, very nice person, that part goes okay. The burn specialist came in and asked the expected questions about the how’s and the why’s. I don’t want to hurt myself now, I reassured him. I saw that shift as soon as I mentioned that I was autistic. My body went numb, as if floating just above myself. I was taken to a room. I had to convince them to let me have my clothes on, to let me keep my stuff with me, all while shaking and doe-eyed. I laid down on the bed and I felt my body floating higher. My mom was called and it was only through her testimony that I was able to leave the hospital. In the end, I was sent home with a small tub of medical grade burn cream, a traumatic nervous twitch in my left eye, and a reminder to never go to the hospital for self-harm.”

THE FOLLOWING CAPTCHA ENTRY IS INCORRECT

“I’ve been denied an ADHD diagnosis at least three times; not everything’s due to my autism. “

THE FOLLOWING CAPTCHA ENTRY IS INCORRECT

“I have imposter syndrome about my own disabilities because of multiple instances of being told that I’m not disabled enough, or that I don’t qualify for services since I ‘act normal.’ There’s a pattern of doctors not listening to what I say.”

THE FOLLOWING CAPTCHA ENTRY IS INCORRECT

“For a number of years, I refused to put any blood relatives as an emergency contact, even my mom, in fear that a doctor would deny my autonomy.”

THE FOLLOWING CAPTCHA ENTRY IS INCORRECT

“One of my biggest fears is going to the hospital and my fiancé is denied from being there as my advocate. My fiancé has the same fear. The pandemic has amplified this.”

***

Lucas Scheelk (they/them) is an autistic queer white Jew with bipolar disorder. They’re from the Twin Cities, now in Washington state. They’re the author of THIS IS A CLOTHESPIN (Damaged Goods Press, 2016) and HOLMES IS A PERSON AS IS (self-published, 2016). Check out their writing at Assaracus, Barking Sycamores, QDA: A Queer Disability Anthology, Queer Voices: Poetry, Prose, and Pride, Stone of Madness Press, Pandemic Publications, Spoon Knife 5: Liminal, Wizards in Space, and Mollyhouse, among others. They don’t have a college degree to their name but dreams to run a library. Twitter: @TC221Bee.

***