Instructions: Use this checklist to rate your suffering at Neil Armstrong Middle School. Once you’re finished, refer to the table below to see how your suffering rates.
|If you checked …||Then …|
|Nothing||You are blessed with an amazing life.|
|1-5 checkboxes||You’re not suffering a whole lot.|
|6-10 checkboxes||Your suffering is about average.|
|11-15 checkboxes||Your suffering is above average.|
|16+ checkboxes||Your suffering is epic. You will be very famous one day. Or dead.|
- You wear a sibling’s hand-me-downs regularly.
- You pick your nose and eat it when you think no one is looking (but we are).
- Your parents are divorced and they take turns living with you.
- One or both of your parents are dead.
- One or both of your parents abandoned you because they weren’t able to parent you.
- One or both of your parents abandoned you because they didn’t want to parent you (which says something about the kind of child you are).
- You’re in gifted or special ed.
- You eat free lunch.
- You did something embarrassing and earned a nickname that haunts you.
- Someone broke up with you within a day of dating you.
- Someone broke up with you within a week of dating you.
- Someone broke up with you a month or more after dating you (which is like, forever).
- You play role playing games like Dungeons & Dragons.
- You’re not sure you belong in the body you were born in.
- You’ve never been kissed.
- You’ve never kissed anyone.
- You kissed someone and you were told you sucked at it.
- You dated someone who wasn’t popular.
- You dated someone who was mildly popular.
- You dated a friend’s ex (ew gross).
- You’re so big, you generate an orbit.
- You get picked last for everything.
- You asked someone out in front of their friends and were rejected.
- You pretended to be a secret admirer for someone who you liked but they thought you were creepy so you pretended to deliver messages from this secret admirer because it was the only way the person you liked would talk to you.
J. Bradley cartoons on Instagram at @questionabledecisioncomics.
image: Lindsay Hargrave