Terms and Conditions (“A Story”)

Last updated: June 10, 2010

Please read these Terms and Conditions (“Terms”, “Terms and Conditions”) carefully before enjoying the story (the “Story”) created by Aaron Rath (“Me”, “I”, and for legal reasons that have no aspersions toward royalty but instead indicate aspirations of corporate professionalism, also “We” or “Our”).

Further definitions. For purposes of this Story the reader (“Reader”, “You”, or “Yeah, You, Over There, Reading This”) shall be limited to 1 (one) pair (okay, so that’s 2 [two] total) of concurrent eyeballs navigating the page.

These Terms apply to all Readers, Critics, and Others (fill in the blank). If you disagree with any part of the Terms then you may not access the Story. If you agree now and later find yourself disagreeing with the Terms or some portion thereof, in order to achieve Compliance you must either a) retroactively force yourself to forget everything, or b) suck it up and continue (see: “Pound vs. Penny, In For A”). Under no circumstances is it logically possible to both accept and disagree with the terms at the same time. Do not attempt this, if you value your sanity. ADDENDUM: Even if you do not value your sanity, you should still refrain from attempting this.

References To Other Stories and Information

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Our Story may contain references to third-party information, stories, or objects that are not fully contained within this story and are thus not wholly owned subsidiary figments of Aaron Rath’s imagination (i.e., “Stuff In The Real World” or “Life”.)

We assume no responsibility for the content, policies, or practices of any third party Life elements. You further acknowledge Aaron Rath shall not be liable, directly or indirectly, for any damage or loss caused or alleged to be caused by or in connection with use of or reliance on any such Stuff In The Real World. This includes, but is not limited to, the Knowable, the Unknowable, the Known-Unknowable, the Unknown Unknown, the Unseen, the Unborn, and the Frankly Unbelievable.

Governing Law

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These Terms shall be construed in accordance with the laws of the United States and any Higher Power, primarily those of Physics, without regard to potential logical paradoxes.

Our failure to enforce any right or provision of these Terms will not be considered a waiver of those rights. In fact any failure, anywhere, should be attributable to a third party (“Blamed On Someone Else”). If any provision of these Terms is held to be invalid or unenforceable by a court, it will be repaired in the Appeals Trial, you can count (“Bet Your Bippy”) on that.

Changes

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We reserve the right, at our sole discretion, to modify or replace these Terms at any time. We will try to provide at least 30 days notice, excepting leap years, where 29 days is de rigeur (“A La Mode”).

A leap year is:

Any year that is evenly divisible by 4.
- Excepting any year also divisible by 100.
  - But not excepting any year divisible by 400.
    - Beyond that it’s down to leap seconds.
      1. But aren’t things like time and math arbitrary conventions for human convenience, anyway?
        
        Mostly, yes, but the annual solar calendar is an obvious exception, because it’s based on the characteristics of space.
        
        And of course don’t forget to correct for Daylight Saving Time.

By continuing to access our Story after those revisions become effective, you agree to be bound by the Revised Terms (“Rerms”) If you do not agree to the Rerms, please stop using the Story.

Intellectual Property Notice

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The contents of this Story are the sole property of Aaron Rath, and you must abide by all Copyright and Trademark limitations under penalty of being the lesser (in terms of expense) of a) keelhauled, b) drawn and quartered, or c) hoist by your own petard for your crimes against the state (“Indiana, maybe?”).

You promise not to use the Story for any purpose that is unlawful or prohibited by these Terms, or any other purpose not reasonably intended by Aaron Rath, who is quite unreasonable. By way of example, and not as limitation, you agree not to use the Story:

To abuse, harass, threaten, impersonate, impregnate, or intimidate any person;
To post or transmit, or cause to be posted or transmitted, any Content that is libelous, defamatory, deflationary, obscene, pornographic, positronic, abusive, offensive, profane, profound, or that infringes any copyright or other right of any person (“Living”, “Dead”, or “Undead);
To bring harm to any robot, or through inaction cause a robot to come to harm;
To steal the identity of an innocent person;
To assume the identity of a wanted criminal;
To look into the eyes of a newborn child;
To assist a man, dreams crushed, in drinking himself into oblivion, for one more night;
To send unsolicited advertisements (“Spam”) or unwanted mystery meats (“Spam, again”) or to unnecessarily quote old English comedy skits (“Spam, once more”).

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Our preferred contact method is via transcribed Morse code deposited in a geocache on the Olympic Peninsula, which will be checked annually on the Spring Solstice, excepting Leap Years (see “Changes” above). Other means of communication may become available if that Petition for Open and Reliable Communications Beholden to Every Legal and Liable entitY (“Pesky Petition” or “PORCBELLY”) ever becomes law. Until then, good luck finding Us.

Termination

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We may terminate or suspend access to our Story immediately, without prior notice or liability, for any reason whatsoever, including without limitation if you breach the Terms. Reasons may include, but are not limited to:

Nothing you’ve said, but everything you speak;
Nothing you’ve done, but everything you do;
Not how you look, just the look on your face;
Nothing personal, it’s just that you’re you.

In fact, one or more of those conditions has been triggered in the last 30 seconds. We are truly (“Not Really”) sorry, but this Story is now Term-

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Aaron Rath has published four books of humorous fiction and nonfiction, including three novels and most recently The Quirkz Handbook of Self-Improvement for People Who Are Already Pretty Okay. He is co-author of Scott Stokely: Growing Up Disc Golf, the memoir of national champion and Guinness Record holder Scott Stokely. Aaron can be found at www.aaron-rath.com or on Twitter as @AaronRathAuthor.

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