Rejection Letter: Lizzie Frank

Dear Subconscious,

Thank you for your submissions over the years. However, your recent creations have become out of control. It is in your best interest to reign it back, or we may have to halt publishing of your dreams.

May we suggest steering your content away from anything involving being attacked, being chased, clowns, spiders, the Grand Canyon (never again!), eating up a big plate of scrambled eggs and being really happy that the scrambled eggs are so delicious but then realizing that there is an incredibly long hair in the egg, coming out of the throat and needing to be pulled up endlessly, being harassed at the mall, rabid owl, or Girl Scout Camp 2007 (this including rabid owl).

Absolutely NEVER! dream about waking up and the dishwasher being empty, as the host will then wake up to find the dishwasher not only full but dirty. This sends the host into an ungovernable rage and shuts down the entire system for a 30 minute “breakdown” period.

Some positive themes you may wish to include in future submissions:

• Rainbows
• Flying
• Seeing friends
• Having sex
• Fame
• Fortune
• Respect
  • Especially from people the host perceives to have wronged them, i.e.
    • Australian roommate
    • Old man who taught chess
    • Grocery store employee in September 2019
    • Dad
    • Dog
    • The country of the Netherlands
  • Pragmatic resolutions with dead relatives
  • Starting a small business that grows to critical acclaim
  • Swimming (not!!! drowning!!!)
  • Nailing clarinet solo at 4th grade talent show, causing the audience to throw roses onto the stage, the band teacher faints because she is so impressed, and all the other 4th graders are suuuuuuper jealous until forever

We hope this message has been helpful. We ask that you utilize this feedback for future submissions. Please log into the portal to schedule a progress check in one month.

Yours truly,

The Mind

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Lizzie Frank is a writer from upstate New York. He has published poetry, short stories, and two novellas. Lizzie is co-Editor-In-Chief of Nonsense Humor Magazine and the author of Exit Sign, a fiction podcast slated for release in late 2020.

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image: Meagan Johanson