Dear Trader Joe’s Freeze Dried Broccoli Snacks,
We have reviewed your submission and, unfortunately, will not be moving forward with digestion and absorption of your work at this time. While we were intrigued by your premise, ultimately we did not feel a high-fiber, cruciferous vegetable was a good fit with our gastrointestinal needs. We believe you may be a better fit for a different intestinal tract, perhaps one of a slender athlete on the Paleo diet, as our gastrointestinal preferences trend more towards the high-fat, high-sugar style.
Best of luck to you,
My Small Intestine
Dear Your Ass,
While I can appreciate your effort, unfortunately the breadth of your piece is not a good fit for us. We review hundreds of asses, and while we feel this reflects well upon our unique features and reputation, the downside is that we simply cannot accommodate every ass. I sincerely hope you are able to find a pair of jeans that works for you, and please do try again in the future if you end up with something shorter to submit.
Levi’s Ultra Low Rise Jeans
Dear Secondhand Smoke,
Thanks for thinking of us, but frankly we found your work offensive and off-putting.
Appreciate the opportunity to connect with you. We’ve decided to go a different direction in our process, and by that, we mean continuing to grow directly into your skin. If anything changes, I’ll reach out.
Dear Bro Country,
Congratulations on all of the success you’ve had over the last few years. We appreciated the opportunity to review your work, but to be honest with you, you are not a good fit for us. We’re attached to the head of someone who is still wearing a Strokes concert T-shirt from 2003 at least once a week and who actively campaigned for Elizabeth Warren. For that reason, your message of drinking whiskey on the tailgate of your Ford Raptor in a Pig N Pancake parking lot while reminiscing about your high school flame just didn’t resonate with us. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors, though – may we suggest submitting to the patrons of Cabela’s overhead radio?
Thank you for reaching out to us about sleeping! We’ve really enjoyed some of your past work. “Time You Fell In Front Of Your 3rd Grade Crush” was a big hit, and “Remember When That Customer Yelled At You For Your Incompetence In 2007?” is one of my personal favorites.
To be honest, your newest piece, “Calming Thoughts And Affirmations Of Self-Worth” is really off-brand. Always appreciate risks, but this one falls flat for me. Strongly recommend a return to form – I bet there is some great material you could work with from the time you auditioned for the high school musical and didn’t even get a part in the chorus.
Gracie Beaver Kairis is a Pacific Northwest-based humor and satire writer. Her work can be found in Slackjaw, The Belladonn Comedy, Points in Case, and others. You can find her on Twitter @beaverkairis.
image: Natalie Allstead