Dear Sassie Quatch:
Thank you (?) for your manuscript Eye Spy: Tales of Human Sightings, but it’s not a good fit for us here at PNW Nature Books, Inc. We only publish nonfiction books related to camping and hiking in the Pacific Northwest; although we do publish some id guides, they’re about how to locate and identify various birds, trees, etc., not about how to spy on people.
We’re extremely disturbed by the sample photos you sent, as well as your accounts of stalking people in the woods and scaring the bejesus out of them. For example, this passage from Chapter 3, “The Columbia River Gorge at Night”:
Bridal Veil Falls is an ideal spot for a blinding flash-bulb ambush, since the short trail from the parking lot dead-ends at the falls. In this manner I’ve acquired many amusing photos of inebriated teens having an existential crisis in the dark, once they’re confronted with the towering scope, the true bigness of the world they inhabit. Anything can happen. I’ve witnessed people puke, have heart attacks, keel over dead, laugh themselves insane, pray, fall to their knees, piss themselves, bribe me with pot and burgers and beer, push their friends towards me in an attempt to save their own precious hides, twist their ankles, run in the dark and knock themselves out against the trees. How easily people crumple. All of this occurs simply because I’m doing to them what they’ve tried for decades to do to me. I’ve even had a couple of people fire shots at me, although they won’t be trying that again. I’m excellent at disarming people. (45)
We’ve forwarded your manuscript to the relevant authorities; a division of the FBI has already been in touch with us. And no, we’re not interested in seeing any more of your photography. Please, never send us anything again.
This is—most definitely—not our standard rejection.
All of the Editors at PNW Nature Books, Inc.
P.S. Is the author photo you included supposed to be a joke? Ye gods.
Amee Nassrene Broumand is a writer from the Pacific Northwest. A three-time Pushcart Prize nominee, her work has appeared in numerous journals including Glass: A Journal of Poetry (Poets Resist), Rust + Moth, Barren Magazine, Sundog Lit, and Empty Mirror. She once spent a fabulous and busy month as the guest editor for Burning House Press. Find her on Twitter @AmeeBroumand.
image: Meagan Johanson