My name is Kassie, and I’m the person you’re currently DMing. Unfortunately, I’m not just some corporate machine that initiated a response, so I thought you might like to know a little bit about the Social Media Manager behind this brand account. 

If you look on my website, my bio says that I like true crime podcasts, cats, and mangos. The truth is I really don’t listen to true crime anymore. It got to be a bit much for me. I gave my cat away three years ago when I moved. Does that make me a bad person? When I first moved to New York, I accidentally cut a girl in line at Whole Foods because I didn’t know how the color-coordinated system worked. I still think about that all the time. 

Like, maybe, is there a point when you cross over to the dark side? Do you only get so many bad deeds? My boyfriend waits for an hour for me every single day. We take the train home together after work. I know. Isn’t that really sweet? I don’t think he could ever do anything bad, but sometimes he bodies people that get in his way on the train platform. Also, he has really bad road rage. I forgive him. 

I’m sorry I can’t give you a coupon code for, literally, existing. On behalf of this brand, do you forgive me?


Kassie Shanafelt lives in Brooklyn. Her writing has appeared in Cauldron AnthologyCoffin Bell JournalPhilosophical Idiot, and others. Find her on Twitter and Instagram. You can read more of her words here.