Dear Drunk Couple From the Bar,
Thank you for considering in front of my apartment at 1 a.m. as a place to fight about your relationship. It goes without saying that you drunkenly shouting over each other is what gives this section of the city its color. While I appreciate the nuances of your argument, such as him texting that girl or her talking to that dude, I have, unfortunately, determined your break up is not a good fit for in front of my apartment at 1 a.m. at this time. This decision is more a reflection of the volume of quality loud and annoying arguments that have happened in front of my apartment at 1 a.m. and not necessarily yours in particular.
I hope you find a home for your make up sex. Please do not hesitate to rehash your feelings again.
-Garden Apartment Tenant #1
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Drunk Couple From the Bar,
Thank you, again, for choosing in front of my apartment at 1 a.m. as a place to fight with each other. While your drunkenly argument was filled with loud slurs and finger pointing, I do not feel it is a good fit for in front of my apartment at 1 a.m. at this time.
That said, there is a lot to admire in your back and forth such as when Nikki told Bobby to go have sex with that girl but was only saying it for hyperbole. Your argument was loud and annoying, but, ultimately, did not reach as satisfying a conclusion as I would have liked, such as a break up or make up sex. Please wait 3 months before having another fight in front of my apartment at 1 a.m.
-Garden Apartment Tenant #1
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Drunk Couple,
Thanks, again, for choosing in front of my apartment at 1 a.m. to have your fight. I could hear it especially well as my windows were down in this warm summer weather. Quite frankly, your drunkenly shouting made me want to smash my head into my bedroom door. It’s not a good fit for in front of my apartment at 1 a.m., right now or probably ever. Please note that the submission period is closed as the landlord has erected a fence around the yard.
-Garden Apartment Tenant #1
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Kevin Sterne is the author of All Must Go (House of Vlad) as well as the chapbooks From Your Jerry (No Rest Press) and I’ve Done Worse (Long Day Press). He lives in Chicago and loves running and trees. Read more at kevinsternewrites.com
Rejection Letters 