I should never have sought you out behind the bins at McDonald’s that Thursday and then again on Saturday. It was selfish of me. I did not know what I was looking for, but it was not you.
I understand myself better now, but more than that I understand you, L—.
You’re too fickle.
For a while, you kept me warm. But never warm enough that I do not notice the piece of lettuce stuck to my shoe. You are fleeting and foul and soon enough I’m left like a blue Slushie™ when there is no more blue and it’s just slush.
When you first took me in your arms I rejoiced, you were the sugar and sweetener, the whipped cream to my coffee; we made dessert together. We were a snack, we still could be, but no one needs pumpkin spice all year round. Together we were delicious, and the comments, the likes, felt good for a while. I would boast that I was complete #goals, even though I felt hollow. Now that you’re gone, L—, I realise the good stuff, it might be deep and dark and bitter, but that caffeine kick, it was in me all along, I didn’t need your whipped cream to keep me satisfied.
I have fallen out of your arms, L—. But don’t worry about me. I don’t worry about you. One day someone will curl up with you, and the cage of rom-com clichés will be a sanctuary rather than a stereotype, the promises you make to one another will be out of devotion rather than strictures your fear to fail. I hope, L—, that someone will fall into your arms once again, and you will be there to catch them.
I have something else now: I have friends, family and familiarity, I am sorry, L—, but I don’t need you. I have myself.
Jane Barron de Burgh is an aro-ace author and poet from South East Essex, UK. A graduate of the Open University’s Creative Writing programme, she is currently studying for an MA in English.
Jane is passionate about sustainable fashion, 19th Century Romanticism, and changing the stereotype of the Essex Girl with The Essex Girls’ Liberation Front.
Since 2017, Jane has lead Creative Writing workshops for those with Mental Health issues.
You can find she/her they/them on Twitter @makepeacelvjoy