Dear Mr. Fleischer,
Thank ye for writing to Piracy Today. Unfortunately, the magazine is going t’have’t’pass on yer tale of glory and tax accounting.
To be clear: this is a Piracy Magazine, not a tax magazine. There be four tax magazines that we know of — Tax Journal, Accounting Today, Taxation, and Kiplinger’s Personal Finance — and we’re sure that yer story is liable to find an apt home there.
To be further clear: this letter should not discourage ye. Take heart! If any of these magazines should so dare as to take a pass at what ye have to write, they will have to account themselves to me, Roger ‘Roll The Bones’ Rooney. They may try their luck, but their luck will be no match for mine, as I consensually bedded Lady Luck on a Polynesian island long ago, and her power coupled with my swordsmanship has rolled through the streets like the bulls of Pamplona turning themselves into water and bursting through any dam that may dare give itself that name.
So write on, strange tax man. Dip yer pen into the open pulse of the devil’s neck and give us a harrowing tale of deductibles straight and true. And, please: feel free to pitch us again, as we can always use another member of the crew.
Evan Fleischer is a writer, editor, and current MFA candidate. He has written for The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Guardian, The New Republic, Slate, The Washington Post, Vice, and numerous other publications. He is currently a fiction editor at Hobart Pulp.