Dear u/[REDACTED],
Hello from the moderation team at r/CDLDumpTrucks. While we appreciate your interest in becoming a verified member of this subreddit, we are sorry to say that we cannot approve your application. We here at CDLDumpTrucks insist upon a very high standard of consistency in our models, and unfortunately you do not fit this standard for a number of reasons:
1. Clear, Non-Illusive Positioning – Our guidelines for application state that you must upload three nude photos to [REDACTED] and provide external links to each in your Modmail. We ask that these photos are well-lit, of acceptable quality, and taken in natural positions. This means that we accept absolutely NO ass photos which use deceptive tricks such as squatting, bending forward, sitting down, excessive arching of the spine, low angles, high angles, side angles, pants pulled up to the ass to accentuate its curvature, photos in which the legs are spread or crossed, or frogbutts of any kind.
In your first and third photos, there are clear markers of some excessive arching of the spine. We have debated this topic in moderator chats extensively, and some of us (myself included) came to the conclusion that you may have a slight degree of scoliosis–a Cobb angle of about 30 degrees. However, we were not in complete consensus, so this would be the first tentative strike against your application.
2. Tidiness of Background – Photos submitted for our consideration must uphold certain professional standards; namely, proper attention to background details. To put it plainly, no one can be expected to enjoy a big juicy ass if the eye is drawn to needless clutter in the room.
In your second photo, there are visible signs of life–a bottle of lotion on the nightstand, a sock on the floor beneath your bed, and a fine layer of dust on the top edge of your headboard. It is the team’s recommendation that if you aspire to post here or in our sister community, r/FDAApprovedMilkJugs, you take a more serious interest in cleanliness and organization. We would also like to link you to some resources on composition in photography here.
3. Unfair Advantages on the Basis of Body Composition – We take the meaning of this subreddit very seriously. A CDL Dump Truck is defined per our guidelines as an “ample, well-shaped bottom which is proportionally large on its subject and has an anatomically standard ratio of muscle to fat content.”
Upon inspection of your photos, we noticed a couple of issues with your bodily composition. One of our moderators was able to track down the serial number from your bookshelf and identify it as the KALLAX Shelf Unit from IKEA, which stands at a height of 4 feet 9 inches and ⅞. Analyzing your height against the shelf in photo 3 and accounting for the parallax caused by your possible scoliosis, we calculated that you are about 5 feet 3 inches tall. However, comparing your width at the waist to the shelf’s width (30 ⅜ inches), we estimate that your waist is roughly 16” wide, giving us a rough waist circumference of 40”. We figure then that your BMI is roughly 35.4, with a body fat percentage of 43.1%. This is outside the range which we will accept here at r/CDLDumpTrucks. Unusually high body fat percentages supply larger women with an unfair advantage in ass girth over standard-sized women, who may not achieve the same extremes even through extensive exercise. This may seem harsh, but again, our standard of consistency is quite difficult to achieve. It is the mod team’s suggestion that you seek the advice of a dietitian or healthcare provider and strive for a loss of about 67.7lbs of fat before submitting to us again. Given that the KALLAX Shelf Unit is priced at $89.99, we understand that you may have some budgetary concerns, so attached below is a coupon for an online consultation with a registered dietitian.
4. Unlicensed Branding – The unlicensed use of any copyrighted materials is prohibited in our subreddit’s content, per sitewide regulation.
In your first photo, there is a visible tattoo on your right calf, about two inches below the popliteal fossa. Upon zooming in and enhancing quality, we were able to see that it is a 1” tall logo for Costco. While the tattoo itself is quite small, it does still put our subreddit at risk of termination. We would love to ask that such tattoos are simply covered, but the placement of a bandage would again draw the eye away from the subject matter of your posterior, and could distract our community members as they may wonder what is underneath the bandage, and in turn wonder about you as a human being and not merely a disembodied ass.
5. The Golden Ratio – Euclid’s Golden Ratio is definitely our golden rule here at r/CDLDumpTrucks. The curvature from the base of the spine to the most pronounced point of the ass should fit this formula exactly.
This rule is admittedly one of our more difficult guidelines to explain, so I have attached here a diagram of the Golden Ratio superimposed over the second photo you provided. As you can see, the apex of your ass is slightly too high, distorting the overall curvature and making it decidedly outside of divine proportion. This is an easy mistake to make–most of our submissions are rejected on this criterion. Please do not feel bad, as only a select fraction of asses meet Euclidean standards.
We hope that this letter has provided a bit more context to your rejection from r/CDLDumpTrucks. In exchange for our analysis, we ask that you please sign and submit the attached release form, permitting us to use your ass photos in our Guidelines page to show other candidates what we do not allow.
Thank you very much for your cooperation.
All the best,
u/[REDACTED], Senior Moderator of r/CDLDumpTrucks
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V Garmon Koski is an Atlanta-born housewife and writer, who earned a Telecommunications & Film degree from the University of Alabama. She is a crocheter, a bassist, a master of soups, a card-carrying MUFON member, and a person who removes the sticks from corndogs before eating them. If V is not plugging away at her computer, you can find her chasing her two nightmare dogs out of things they shouldn’t be in. You can also find her on Twitter at @veanimator .
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image: Emily Bottomley
Rejection Letters 