Your body has been rejected (Alannah Guevara)

Dear Alannah69,

Thank you for deciding to use our platform to sell your body to our many users. Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that your HustleFans account has not been approved. We are unable to accept your most recent application for the following reason(s):

1. We were unable to verify that you are who you say you are. We understand that identity is a touchy subject these days, what with all the hormones going around. Just between you and us, we’re pretty sure they’re pumpin’ ‘em into those chocolate milk cartons they give out to kids for school lunches. Our HR lady says that’s not true. She says our conspiratorial streak is gonne be the death of us. Sounds a bit like a threat to you, right? I guess that’s why they say HR’s job isn’t to protect us. But I digress. She also says that in order to verify new accounts, we must review at least five of your active social media profiles. We apologize for this inconvenience, but without access to your personal accounts there is no other possible way to ensure your own protection.

If you don’t already have that many profiles, yeah right. Sure you don’t. But, seeing as how it’s our job to help you out here, let’s just say you don’t. If so, we recommend you sign up for as many social media services and apps as you can find, and to do so as soon as possible. In order to qualify for verification, all of your accounts must be at least six months old and consistently active. We also suggest you invite all of the known universe to follow you because if you don’t have any followers then how could we possibly know that you’re not a bot? Oh, and don’t forget to post new pictures of yourself every day! They have to be of professional quality so that we know you’re serious about using our platform. If they’re not print quality, then we won’t be able to zoom in and scrutinize any blemishes, discoloration, or scar tissue that you may have. Once your accounts are ready, make sure to link them when you resubmit your HustleFans application so that we can meticulously and obsessively review your life, as safeguarding your identity is our top priority.

2. The profile picture you have uploaded violates our Terms and Conditions. Your profile picture is a representation of who we are as a company. Think of it like an advertisement. An effective ad should entice people, not scare them. So, if you’re going to use our platform to sell your body, then you must do it on our terms. After all, how are you ever going to find fulfillment if you’re not supporting the hard work that we do to ensure quality pornography? Please understand, our paychecks are practically signed by your tits. Unless you put them on display in your profile picture, how can we ever be assured that our jobs are both valid and secure?

We recommend you try taking some new pictures of yourself. Maybe from a lower angle. Really squeeze those moneymakers together before snapping the shot. Make ‘em real fuckable. Take a look at some of our more popular accounts on the platform for inspiration. We have an eye for these things, you know. You might feel a bit uncomfortable at first, and that’s totally natural. Everyone goes through it. If you’re really cut out for this business, you’ll get over it real quick. Oh, but FYI, we’ll have to reject you again if yours aren’t big enough. You can review the HustleFans Terms and Conditions page to see if your dimensions are worthwhile. But don’t worry, we know how to make ‘em grow. You don’t even need surgery. All you gotta do is get you some of that hormonal chocolate milk we mentioned and by this time next year, you’ll finally fill out that sporty bralette! Hoorah!

3. From what we’ve seen thus far, your body just isn’t cutting it. We know, we know. It’s impolite to yuck someone else’s yum. But here’s the thing: Standards sell. Conventions sell. Stereotypes sell. What doesn’t sell is everything outside of societal norms. And don’t give us none of that “every body is beautiful” bullshit. If that were really true, don’t you think our top 10% of creators would consist of more than just carbon copies of each other? Sorry hun, you just don’t fit that mold (and no amount of hormones could ever widen those hips).

We recommend you either cause long-lasting damage to your mental and physical health in order to reshape your body to our standards or you give up and start looking for other ways to pay your rent. Honestly, we think you’re better suited for the latter option. Have you tried looking for an honest job? We hear those tend to come with fun benefits like health care and housing security. The downside is you probably need like six or seven years of experience to snag one. Jeez! And also probably like a ton of savings to get you through the months and months of waiting in agony for a single interview. We’ve heard that some people make good money selling their old shit on eBay. Did you have any Pokémon cards as a kid? There’s this one YouTuber we watch that actually sold his old collection for like ten thousand bucks. Can you believe that? That people actually pay that much for some dusty old cards? Wild. Anyways, if you do decide to take the former option then we have to warn you that it could really fuck you up. You’ll be subjected to thousands of DMs with meet-up requests*, dick pics, and hateful rhetoric (probably transphobic and maybe fatphobic and also maybe Italophobic (you are Italian, right?)). It’s emotionally taxing. There’s not much we can do about it either; you’ll just have to take it in stride. Truthfully, you’re going to have to change who you intrinsically are. Marketing yourself is kinda like two full-time jobs in one without the benefits. If you ever grow a real following, your presence on our platform will become your sole identity. Again, we understand that identity is a strange one to navigate. Which reminds us. We don’t actually know your pronouns. We don’t mean to offend you but the information you’ve provided us seems contradictory in nature. You’ll have to let us know if you were born a man or a woman. Either way, you’re still going to have to torment your body with a grueling workout routine and an unsustainable diet in order to fit in with our HustleFans’s style guide.

We understand that this can be frustrating. We’re frustrated, too. Nobody likes to give bad news. And we fully appreciate the fact that the first of the month is coming up and you’re probably in need of cash. But let’s be honest here. There really isn’t anything more we can do for you at the moment. On the bright side, we are so so so sooooo grateful that you thought of us in your time of need! Keeping up our new user metrics is a helluva task, so you really did us a favor by signing up. You’ve been such a big help! Yes, you have!

We sincerely hope you’ll continue to use our platform. If not as a creator, then perhaps as a consumer? A number of our top creators’ monthly memberships are actually on sale right now! Trust us, you do not want to miss out on this bargain. Plus, then you’ll have some great new content to distract yourself with while you wait for our next rejection! How nice is that?

Feel free to reach out to us if we can help you with anything else in the future.

Cheers,

HustleFans Support Team

*Gentle reminder that it is only permissible to accept payment for physical contact with your Fans if the purchase is made in-app via HustleCoin.

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Alannah Guevara is a Queer and trans poet, wife, and vilomah. She enjoys designing books and hopes to someday establish an independent Queer press. She is a winner of Toyon‘s 2022 Sana, Sana Music and Poetry Competition for her poem, “Fresh Fruit.” Her work can be found in Toyon Multilingual Literary Magazine, Isele Magazine, Madwoman Collective, The J.J. Outré Review, and scribbled inside half a dozen notebooks. 

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image: Jennifer Robbins Mullin is a writer, fine art photographer (Bottlebrush Gallery of the Arts), and archivist who lives and works in Pittsburgh.