Dear Developer,
Thank you for submitting ProCess: The App for Funeral Processions to the App Store. Your app was reviewed, but we are unable to post your app at this time.
Reason: 9.9: The App Store is unable to post apps that disregard the laws of nature and/or local traffic customs.
Details:
- FROM YOUR SUBMISSION: In your narrative, you noted that the funeral procession for the ex-fire chief, which included an antique engine with bronze fittings usually trotted out for parades and Touch-a-Truck shows, stretched three blocks from the fire house past what you termed a “perfectly good cemetery.”
FEEDBACK: Our system does not recognize such qualifiers and processes only objective data, such as the distance from the fire house to any given cemetery or the number of swear words you muttered at the Stop sign. - FROM YOUR SUBMISSION: You confessed that you thought of your little girl waiting at the door at school dismissal time as parents from the other side of town breezed around the oval driveway and swept their children into larger, later-model cars. You thought, We’re still doing this? There’s no way around or through it? I just have to sit here? You sighed, rolled your eyes, drummed on the steering wheel. You noted the mouths of the grieving: crumpled, then folded in thin lines, lipstick cracking in the grooves. You avoided meeting their drying eyes, trying to maintain lanes.
FEEDBACK: Our AI model is still in the early stages of facial recognition processing, and as such cannot take into consideration even relatively common human expressions of emotional experiences such as frustration or mourning.
- FROM YOUR SUBMISSION: Load playlists to remember your loved one from Spotify or Apple Music, you promised. Integrate with Waze and Google Maps to find the quickest route to the place of final rest and report your procession to other drivers in your area. And you thought: I’ll never be late to pick up my daughter again.
FEEDBACK: For legal, technological, and existential reasons, our system cannot repeat or endorse such promises. Human testers have confirmed that all must be late, and in the meantime, all must yield.
Next steps: Walk through the perfectly good cemetery and place flowers on a random grave. Make a donation to the fire company. Give your daughter a hug before you bundle her into your serviceable car. Try again.
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Abigail Myers writes poetry, fiction, and creative nonfiction on Long Island, New York. Her work has recently appeared in Hearth and Coffin, Roi Fainéant, Phoebe, Variant Literature, Milk Candy Review, Full Mood Mag, Icebreakers Lit, and more. Keep up with her at abigailmyers.com and @abigailmyers.
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image: MM Kaufman
Rejection Letters 