Every day Luke wakes up bipolar. Today is no different. It is Saturday, which is very special for him. He has a weekday office job, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., so this is his moment to shine. This Saturday is different though, he usually spends Saturdays with his partner, but she is busy with her daughter for the day, they are riding horses and playing Legos together. Regardless he has woken up bipolar again. Since the day he was born he has woken up bipolar. When he emerged from his mother’s womb in 1980, he was bipolar even then. He often wonders if he is bipolar when he is sleeping, or does it turn off then.
Luke goes outside to smoke before his morning shower. Sitting on a plastic lawn chair he contemplates what must be done today, Starbucks, smog check, Walmart, Best Buy, Guitar Store, he becomes afraid of the smog check. He worries that the smog check man will discover that his vehicle is unusable and must be removed from the road. There is nothing wrong with his car, no lights are on, everything is fine, but still he worries. Smog checks are mandated by the Nevada state government. He must be responsible and do what the government thinks is best for himself and the environment.
The water is warm and feels peaceful on Luke’s skin. He doesn’t want to leave the shower, he has found hope in the shower. Conversations from the previous week at work run through his head. A sadness comes over him because he remembers the mistake, he made on Tuesday that upset his boss. He wonders if he will get fired next week, even though there is no evidence of this occurring, he never feels a solid footing on the earth.
After the shower he puts pants on and goes to the kitchen. Four pills are set out on the counter, vitamin B, vitamin D3, Omeprazole, and vitamin C. A small amount of liquid iron is dripped in a cup, he takes a shot of iron and water, then immediately takes a vitamin C with Gatorade. Luke worries about his electrolytes. He thinks it helps with his spasming problem. Luke eats one banana.
At Starbucks Luke sits reading, drinking a coffee. He steps on the leg of the table, the hot coffee falls and some of it lands on his crotch and hoodie. He laughs, what is to be done he thinks. The Starbucks music is too loud for Luke’s reading comfort level, but he persist to get 20 pages done. Two young African-American men are reading the bible. A small bible is on the table, one of the men mentions Moses. Luke wants to talk about Moses but he doesn’t know why. He is still bipolar even though he is a Starbucks.
Luke stares out the window and wonders if his internal narrative will ever calm down, if his emotions will ever become predictable and 100% manageable. Last time he became upset, his partner gave him alcohol and let him smoke all the cigarettes he wanted, it seemed to work.
The smog check takes place in a plaza parking lot, the plaza has a Chinese place called Chop Chop Wok. He goes there all the time and eats potstickers and chicken on skewers. There is also an Olive Garden and IHOP.
The smog check person is sitting in his car, he comes out, he is a young white man wearing a facemask. All week, Luke’s brain kept saying, “You have to get a smog check. The government requires this for you to drive.” It is finally happening, the smog check. It takes seven minutes, and it is over.
Inside Walmart Luke feels safe. Nothing bad ever happens inside a Walmart. He sees middle-aged Hispanic women looking at clothes, and African-American women wearing Walmart uniforms chatting, a wonderful Saturday morning.
Luke’s big goal at this Walmart is to get AC adapters. The electronic section is in the back of the store, he makes his way through the clothing and shoe aisles, and there it is, the Walmart electronic section. He asks a worker about the AC adapters, but there are none. He realizes he must go to Best Buy, which is not safe and not as friendly as Walmart. He buys a few medical items and goes back home.
At home he is still bipolar, he realizes he has not checked his mailbox in a week. He walks 100 yards to the mailbox room in his apartment community. He opens the mailbox and he has mail. As he walks back to his apartment, he sees that one of the envelopes is for a person with a name not his, and the apartment number is different. He walks back and puts the mail down in front of that box. He does this all while being bipolar.
***
Noah Cicero was born in 1980 in a small town in Northeast Ohio. In 2003 his first book came out, The Human War, which has been made into a movie and has been translated into several languages. He has published books of fiction, nonfiction, and poetry, many have been translated. His poetry book Bipolar Cowboy, shortlisted for Goodreads Best Poetry of 2015, has a new edition from Girl Noise Press.
Rejection Letters 